When life throws rotten tomatoes at you...
--You'd better duck! I should have at least braced for impact, but hindsight tells me I couldn't have known.
Every artist has these days and this week is one of mine. A "blue" period, a "dry" time, a little bit of soul searching. Ask anybody who's serious about their art and they'll tell you that you go through times of self-doubt - when you feel like all of your creative juice is spent - that there's nothing good left in you - and that all the joy you once had has left. You feel bitter, angry, depressed and lonely - as if no one else has ever felt that way (a lie if I ever heard one).
This is where I stand.
I saw this really great documentary - and if you're a fan of arcade games, or even just video games in general - or like a good story I recommend it. It's called "King of Kong" and it's about an ordinary guy trying to break an extraordinary record - the highest score on Donkey Kong.
So I don't spoil those who haven't seen it (please watch it!) or bore those who have (tell me your favorite part!) I'll say this much, Steve Wiebe was such an inspiration to me. Even in the face of ridicule, of accusations and pressures from life and his own self, he kept going for his dream. That's the kind of dedication I want to return myself to. Best of all he still knew how to have fun with it, which is the "hokey pokey" in itself really when it comes to video games.
All this to say because I got rejected again for another job I really wanted. This one I felt overqualified for (a good sign I'm recovering from past failures and regaining my confidence) but got a slap in the face telling me what I considered my strength was my "weakness" - my flash animation.
Half of me wonders if they didn't realize that my Hawthorne film was Flash! A lot of people think it's a hand-drawn when they see it. It also makes me wonder if Gennedy had days like this! I know for sure Stephen King did.
I want to be more like Stephen. When I get rejection I want to push myself to be better, to prove them wrong.
Even so, that's easier to say than it is to do. I've always wondered why it's so easy for us to build each other up - to see the potential in others - and then why it's so hard to discover we have that same potential in ourselves.
It hurts, and I think it will take some time for me to heal. At least today I'm feeling a little better.
Honestly I want to be like my friend Roger. He keeps animating and he hasn't had a single lesson. He taught himself. Yeah his "quality" is what some would consider poor but he loves doing it and his humor and talent shine through. He's always improving and pushing himself but doesn't stop when someone tells him his work sucks. God help me to be more like that - to be creating for the sake of creating.
I've only just recently rediscovered the joy of writing - I want to do the same for my animation. I want this not to be an end, but a beginning.
If there's anyone else who's feeling like this - don't give up. It's tough but it's worse to let them win and throw in the towel - especially when it's something that you truly value.
- Joanie /^>